When I worked as a customer service rep....

[ov3rm4n]

When I worked as a customer service rep at the cable company, few things frustrated me more than vague customers.

 

"Hi. My cable's not working right."

[...]

"How do I tell if my TV is on channel 3?"

 

And on and on and on and on... this kind of call was typical of my day at the cable company.

This reminds me of a call I got from a faculty member when I was computer-assisting my way through college:

 

Me: "Welch Hall computer assistant; may I help you?"

She: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."

 

[instant voice-recognition: I know it's a particularly ditzy blonde French professor with whom I have had prior dealings.]

 

Me: "What sort of trouble, Dr. B?"

She: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."

 

Me: "Went away?"

She: "They disappeared."

 

Me: "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"

She: "Nothing."

 

Me: "Nothing?"

She: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."

 

Me: "Are you still in Word Perfect, or did you get out?"

She: "How do I tell?"

 

[uh-oh. Well, let's give it a try anyway.]

 

Me: "Can you see the C:\> prompt on the screen?"

She: "What's a sea-prompt?"

 

[uh-huh, thought so. Let's try a different tack.]

 

Me: "Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"

She: "There isn't any cursor; I told you, it won't accept anything I type."

 

[Ah--at least she knows what a cursor is. Sounds like a hardware problem. I wonder if she's kicked out her monitor's power plug.]

 

Me: "Does your monitor have a power indicator?"

She: "What's a monitor?"

 

Me: "It's the thing with a screen that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"

She: "I don't know."

 

Me: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"

[sound of rustling and jostling]

She [muffled]: "Yes, I think so."

 

Me: "Great! Follow the cord to the plug and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."

She: "Yes, it is."

 

[Hmmm. Well, that's interesting. I doubt she would have accidentally turned it off, and I don't want to send her hunting for the power switch because I don't know what kind of monitor she has and it's bound to have more than one switch on it. Maybe the video cable is loose or something.]

 

Me: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"

She: "No."

 

Me: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."

[rustle rustle]

She [muffled]: "Ok, here it is."

 

Me: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."

She [still muffled]: "I can't reach."

 

Me: "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"

She [clear again]: "No."

 

Me: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"

She: "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle, it's because it's dark."

 

Me: "Dark?"

She: "Yes, the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."

 

Me: "Well, turn on the office light then."

She: "I can't."

 

Me: "No? Why not?"

She: "Because there's a power outage."

 

Me: "A p--!"

[ARGH!]

 

This woman was good friends with my supervisor, who was also a French professor (still is, matter of fact--and in addition, she's now also my wife), so I couldn't deal with her the way I really wanted to, and was forced to explain sweetly and gently to her that computers neeeded power just like office lights, and yes, if she hadn't saved her work she had probably lost everything she'd done so far in Word Perfect. But I could still fantasize:

 

Me: "A power outage? Aha! Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"

She: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

 

Me: "Good! Go and get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."

She: "Really? Is it that bad?"

 

Me: "Yes, I'm afraid it is."

She: "Well, alright then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"

 

Me: "Tell them you're TOO STUPID TO OWN A COMPUTER!"

[slam]

[ov3rm4n]

Customer: "My computer crashed!" Tech Support: "It crashed?" Customer: "Yeah, it won't let me play my game." Tech Support: "All right, hit Control-Alt-Delete to reboot."

 

Customer: "No, it didn't crash-it crashed." Tech Support: "Huh?" Customer: "I crashed my game. That's what I said before. Now it doesn't work." Turned out, the user was playing Lunar Lander and crashed his spaceship. Tech Support: "Click on 'File,' then 'New Game.'"

 

Customer: [pause] "Wow! How'd you learn how to do that?"

[basten]

E tova e to...vicovete si gi biva interesnoto e 4e vinagi sa vduhnoveni ot realni podobni istorii

[PSYCHOSIS]

Eto o6te dve slu4ki, moje i da ste gi 4uvali :

 

A:Dobyr den! Mislq , 4e imam problem s kompiutyra!

B:Dobyr den! Kakyv e problema?

 

A:Ami ne trygva!

B:V smisyl?

 

A:V smisyl, 4e ne trygva! Ni6to ne stava, ekrana e 4eren, ne svetqt lampi4ki!

B:Hmm, natisnahte li power butona?

 

A:Estestveno, za kakyv me mislite?!?!

B:V takyv slu4ai proverete dali kabela e vkiu4en...

 

A:.....I kakvo? Iskate da mi kajete, 4e trqbva da e vkliu4en, za da raboti???

B:!@$%$^%&@#$%

------------------------------------------------

A:Dobyr den! Imam seriozen problem, postavkata mi za 4a6ki ne raboti!

B:?????????

(okazva se, 4e klienta govori za cd-roma si )

[xb00t]

hahhahahahhahahahahahha! !!! !!! Zabolq me korema ot smqh. JELQZNI STE HORA. Ako imate source na tekstovete napravo shte vi razceluvam (ne se nadqvaite na mogo .